Why Everything is Better in 3D Until Somebody Barfs

When I was growing up I would hear stories about how in the old days, sometimes people went to 3D movies.  I saw pictures of throngs of moviegoers with their red/blue 3D glasses on, mesmerized by the images of exploitative b-movies popping into their faces.  

Like many things about the past, I was sad that I would never be able to experience this phenomenon first hand. 

Then a funny thing happened.  My local IMAX started showing 3D movies.  Then, not long after that, more 3D movies, at regular movie theaters started to show up.  I was overjoyed.  Sure the tickets are upwards of $15 dollars, but dammed if those 3D movies didn't excite the shit out of me.

Then the problems started.  I was at a 3D movie.  It was a gross out comedy.  I will keep the name to myself.  

There was a scene in which one of the actors began throwing up.  The throw up looked just like it was coming out at the audience.  I had never seen 3D that realistic.  When the movie ended, I took off my glasses and looked down to gather my belongings.  What I saw haunts me to this day.

I was covered in vomit.  I realized, it hadn't been an effect from the movie...somebody in front of me must have vomitted, and they decided to turn around and vomit on me!  I couldn't tell the difference!  The 3D was that good!

I realized, with 3D movies, and surround sound systems, I can't tell when something is gross or annoying in the movie, or if its gross and annoying and actually happening around me. 

For example, the other day I was at a 3D movie, and there were some trailers playing.  These trailers were in 3D.  I saw this crazy 3D baby coming towards me.  I reached out to try to touch it.   Then this guy and his wife started yelling at me.  They were all like, "hey, why the fuck did you just touch my kid."  And I was all like, "hey, I thought he was a CGI baby."  They didn't know what that meant!  They thought it was some kind of slang.  They called the theater owner, and I was kicked out of the theater.

My whole perception of 3D is ruined.  In the 3D movies of the old days, this never would have happened, because most things in reality aren't red and blue, and kind of vaguely purple.  3D technology has advanced so much that it is starting to blur the line between reality and make believe.

 The only solution I can think of is that we need to start requiring real people at 3D movies to constantly identify themselves as real.  This can be achieved by having everyone walk around during 3D movies saying, "I am real, I am real, I am real."

During the movie, if anyone moves, they should have a special signal they flash so that we will know they are real.  I propose the ASL sign for "real, or really."  You can find out about it here:

http://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/pages-layout/signs.htm

Only, try not to look like you are shushing your kidnapping victim like this guy does. 

If we adopt these changes, maybe, maybe 3D can survive.  If not, I fear for the safety and sound mindedness of mankind.