How To Raise a Baby Tiger

I have received my first official post request, and its funny because I guess I assumed all of these posts would be sort of angry, or at least sarcastic, but my friend Jamie saw that I started this blog, and he kind of thought of it more as an advice column, or at least, somewhere one might find "how-to's."  That is not exactly what I had in mind, but when he asked me to write about how to raise a baby tiger, I couldn't refuse.  In any event, for Jamie, here is how to raise a baby tiger, and what to think about it:

Raising a baby tiger isn't as hard as it might seem at first.  The hardest part about raising a baby tiger is getting your hands on one.  Pet stores usually don't have them.  You can try asking at the zoo, but they hang up pretty quickly.  The best way to get a baby tiger is to order one online.  You can get them here for example: http://www.iperads.com/18/ads/3_Baby/41_Other/7730_SWEET_SIBERIAN_TIGER_CUBS_FOR_SALE.html

Once you have your baby tiger the most important thing to keep in mind is that they eat very often.  You need to feed them about every 20 minutes.  They mostly like to eat red meat, so you should have a bunch of that.  You might think that giving them peanut butter would be funny, but they are allergic to it and it gets stuck in their throat so they will die if you do that.  Also, don't dress them up, they don't like it.

When your baby tiger becomes a toddler, it is time to teach it how to ride a bike.  You might be thinking, is that possible.  In most cases, yes.  Start with training wheels and work your way, slowly, towards true honest to god bike riding.  If you tiger falls off of its bike, offer it encouragement, but don't baby it.  It is a toddler now, not a baby.

Your tiger is going to grow quickly.  It is important that it has plenty of room to play, and to run around.  I recommend raising the tiger on a farm if you can.  Apartments are also fine.  Tigers like to watch television, but not shows on CBS because they are terrible.

When your tiger becomes an adolescent you can begin to teach it the facts of life.  You should explain how baby tigers are born, and inform yours that it will never mate because you didn't buy two baby tigers.  You can explain that its natural to be curious about sex, and you can explain what pornography is.  Here is an example:

When your tiger becomes an adult no matter how good of a job you did it will maul you and your will probably die. 

Lets recap, here's how to be and what to think in regards to raising a baby tiger:

Buy one online, feed it a lot of meat, no peanut butter, teach it to ride a bike, watch the facts of life, get mauled.  You should think that raising a tiger is a pretty sweet deal, and then you should think shit this tiger's claws hurt like a bitch.