Parties

All of the parties anyone goes to before they are 21, and most of the parties they go to afterwards, suck.  Well, that's not entirely true.  When you are little birthday parties are fun for the person whose party it is.  Rarely are they fun for the guests.  Mostly the guests have their mom buy the birthday boy or girl a present, often a gift they would rather have for themselves.  Then they go to the party, and you are not old enough to drink so that's no fun.  Sometimes its a theme party, like Ninja Turtles, which can be kind of cool, especially if the cake has a sweet decoration on it, like of Ninja Turtles. 

 The problem is, most of the time the person whose birthday it is kind of gets to be an asshole to everyone else, and get away with it, because it is his or her birthday.  Sometimes you play games like pin the tail on donkey, or there is a pinata.  Most of the time those games are frustrating for 90% of the time, and then fun for the last 10% of the time.  Both games involve spinning around in circles a lot, which you are usually told not to do.  

When you get a little older, like when you are in high school,  you start to go to parties where drinking is involved.  Drinking at this stage in life means mixing vodka with whatever happens to be around, which more often than not is grape soda.  You don't know yet that alcohol doesn't have to taste like shit.  Usually people at these parties drink a lot and act awkward, and watch movies or play video games, or watch other people play video games.  A lot of "hooking up" happens.  A lot of experimenting with one's sexuality also happens.  This is a time when straight people can pretend to be a little gay.  This will happen again in college.  A lot of loud popular music is played.  The person hosting the party thought it was a good idea, but eventually realized none of his or her friends are going to help clean up in the morning.  His or her parents will definitely know there was a party.  If they are lucky, nothing super bad will happen, because if it does they will probably be held responsible.  Many people sleep over.  Most of them will be freezing on a floor.  20% of the party goers will throw up.  

In college, for most people, their consumption of alcohol will peak.  Some people will drink so much they die.  Those people are called Frat Brothers.  Some people will do some drugs and jump off a roof, and then people will blame the college because those people are idiots.  A lot of parties in college begin with pre-gaming.  This means drinking before the "real" drinking begins.  Jello shots might make an appearance in a pre-gaming session.  A jello-shot is a little cup of jello that's been mixed with alcohol.  Usually they taste like shit.

At a college party people will try to impress other people.  This can happen by trying to appear stronger than everybody else, or by talking about a band that no one else has heard of. Either way, really bad beer and really cheap hard alcohol will be in abundance.  A lot of people will hook up.  Some straight people will pretend to be gay for a little while.  Later they will talk about how they experimented in college.  This, they think, will make them seem really progressive.   Actually, they were just horny, and they are probably a little gay.

After people are 21 they can start to make good choices about what to drink.  Alas, most parties will still suck.  Too many people will still be crammed into too small a space.  Mostly now people won't sleep on the floor, but people will still hook up.  Straight people will be less inclined to pretend to be gay.  They will still be horny.  They still might be a little gay.  A few people will embarrass themselves by drinking too much and throwing up.  The other guests will talk about them behind their backs.  The music will still be too loud.  Some people will still talk about bands you have never heard of.  People won't try to be stronger than you, but they will try to sound more successful.

Once in a while a really awesome party will happen.  It will remind you why you hate most parties.

With all of this in mind, here is how to be and what to think:  When you are a kid, throw birthday parties with a Ninja Turtle theme, and be nice to the party guests.  If you are going to have party favors, make sure they don't suck.

In high school use the internet to figure out how to do what you can with what you have in terms of alcohol.  I bet there are some awesome drinks to be made if you show a little initiative.  If you are gay stop pretending to be straight.  If you are straight stop pretending to be gay.  If you are straight but really you are a little gay, leave the gay kid alone, you'll only confuse him.  Don't play shitty music.

When you are in college learn your tolerance and stop throwing up all the time.  You're not cool just because you know bands no one else does.  Do some research online and impress people with your ability to mix drinks that taste good.  If you are gay, stop pretending to be really really gay.  If you are straight, stop pretending to be gay.  If you are straight but actually a little gay, its time to hook up with the gay kid.  Stop playing shitty music.

After you are 21, grow up.  Invite less people, and play better music.  Plan some activities, and have some food.

Believe that these are the right things to do, and don't thow anymore shitty parties.