Intergalactic Warfare

Most would agree that intergalactic warfare is inevitable.  Some day our planet will make contact with intelligent life on another planet, and chances are there will be something about them The Bible says is wrong. 

We will have to try to set them straight, and the best way to do that is by killing them.

It may seem a long way off, but it's important that we prepare now.  There is a good chance that these aliens will be more advanced than we are.  They will most likely have things like Deflector Shields and exit strategies.  With that in mind, here are the five most important things you can do today to prepare:

1.) Study Up

There is a lot of literature out there about alien races.  Thousands of individuals have been abducted by aliens, and they have important stories to tell.  Many people have encountered aliens right here on Earth.  There are some amazing documentaries about some of these experiences, and just a few of them are listed below:

Alf

3rd Rock from The Sun

Coneheads

Mork and Mindy

Dr. Phil

These documentaries have a lot to teach us about alien races.  We might just be able to find some weaknesses to exploit.

2.) Prepare to Die for Your Planet

This isn't a game of ultimate frisbee, Nancy...this is the real thing.  When the shit hits the fan, its going to be us or them, and you better be ready to die for your planet.  If you need inspiration, look no further than the Academy Award winning cinema classic, Independence Day.  Either Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton, one of those two, is the President.  

What the fuck is his name?

And Will Smith is in it.  And they both kill all of these aliens.  And that's what you're going to have to do.  Or they're going to kill you.  HOO HAAH!

3.) Put Partisan Politics Aside

Democrats are going to want to negotiate with the aliens.  Republicans are going to want to attack a different planet that might or might not harbor the aliens we are after.  We can't let ourselves get distracted by such silliness.  We will need swift and decisive action.  That is why in a time of such national emergency, we will need to look towards an independent leader like Ron Paul.  Need proof:

"America first. That is what Ron Paul’s national defense proposal is all about. And with America he means all Americans, not just the elite. If elected President, Ron Paul will continue his efforts to secure our borders, hunt down the 9/11 terrorist planners (who are still at large), safely withdraw our troops from Iraq and other countries around the world in order to send them after the aliens, and finally overhaul the intelligence apparatus in cooperation with intelligence professionals rather than political opportunists.  Also, he is about kicking alien ass."

http://www.ronpaul.com/on-the-issues/national-defense/

4.) Lose Some Weight

There are going to be a lot of casualties in this war.  We are going to need to reinstate the draft, and that means you are going to be called to service. According to the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention:

Percent of noninstitutionalized adults age 20 years and over who are overweight or obese: 67% (2005-2006)

Percent of noninstitutionalized adults age 20 years and over who are obese: 34% (2005-2006)

Percent of adolescents age 12-19 years who are overweight: 18% (2005-2006)

Percent of children age 6-11 years who are overweight: 15% (2005-2006)

Percent of children age 2-5 years who are overweight: 11% (2005-2006)

If we are going to get these suckers we are going to have to get into better shape.  That's why I am proposing that in the name of national security we declare a war on "Delicious Food."  '

You think drugs are dangerous? Nearly one third of all deaths in the US are due to delicious foods. http://www.benbest.com/lifeext/causes.html  (The war on drugs should continue however, particularly marijuana.  We can't have our soldier getting the munchies after all.

5.) Stop Letting Hollywood and the Music Industries Produce Crap, By Not Buying It Anymore

Maybe, just maybe, if we seem like we have something of value to offer to other cultures across the universe, they will be more willing to come to a peaceful reconciliation.  Yes, chances are we will start the fight...but if and when we decide that we want to play nice, we have a much better chance of making a case for ourselves if we banish certain unsavory aspects of our culture.

If we can do all of these things, I feel somewhat hopeful that we will be able to survive our initial forays into Intergalactic Warfare, so they we can live to fight another day.